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last updated on 11/12/01
Some people define marriage as the most expensive way to get your laundry done free? Is that true? Well, that's one thing to ask your elders, may be they know it better. Some say that marriage is a three ring circus and those rings are engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. When a newly married couple smile, every one knows why; but when a ten-year-old married couple smiles, every one wonders why. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen. When a man is single he is incomplete; and when he is married he is finished. I have heard many people having negative thinking not really negative but not positive either. Following are just some examples of .
Guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel."
2nd Guy: "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
A little boy (to his father): "Dad, how much does it cost you to get married?
Father: "I don't know my son, I am still paying for it.
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled and said: "It really works!"
Bill GatesBoris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited to have dinner with God. During dinner, God told them, "I invited you to dinner, because I needed three important people to send my message out to all people - Tomorrow I will destroy the Earth!"
Yeltsin immediately called together his cabinet and told them, "I have two really bad announcements to make. First, God really does exist, and second, tomorrow He will destroy the Earth."
Clinton called an emergency session of Congress and told them, " I have good news and bad news. The good news is that God
does exist, and the bad news is that he will destroy the Earth tomorrow."
Bill Gates went back to Microsoft headquarters and told his people, "I have two fantastic announcements! First, I am one of
the three most important people on Earth, and second, the Year 2000 problem has been solved!"
AutoGraph or Photograph??????? A famous artist was giving out autographs for a long time. Atlast, he got tired and began to give crazy things. In one of the autographs, he drew the picture of a donkey. The person who got that autograph got angry and shouted: " I wanted your AutoGraph not your Photograph"
The Essay There was a university in New England where the students operated a "bank" of term papers and other homework assignments. There were papers to suit all needs and as it would look odd if an undistinguished student suddenly handed in a brilliant essay, there were papers for an A grade, B grade and C grade.
Make-Up Exam Four sophomores taking organic chemistry at Princeton University did so well on all their quizzes, midterms, labs and so on that each had a grade of A so far in the course. The four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to travel to University of Virginia and party with some friends there. "No need to cram for this exam," they thought. "This one's in the bag already."
The dumb person reports for his University final examination
that consists of Y/N type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at
the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his wallet
out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet, Y for Heads
and N for Tails.
Huma Wasim & Wasim Akram went on a camping trip.After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down forthe night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Huma awoke and nudged his faithfulfriend. "Wasim, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Wasim replied. "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Wasim pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of
galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful
What does it tell you?"
Huma was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"Wasim, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when....
1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL".
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!
New Errors For Win2000
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000:
1. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press ANY key to continue or ANY OTHER key to quit.
4. Bad command or file name! GO stand in the corner.
5. This will end your Windows session.
Do you want to play another game?
6. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software
titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
7. This is a message from Gates:
"Rebooting the world. Please log off."
8. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
9. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
10. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
11. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
12. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
13. User Error: Intelligence Resource Level Insufficient Replace user
14. Netscape.exe... Bad file name...
May we suggest M/S Internet Explorer? (Y/y)
AND ONE that really should be included.
15. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it?
and change to system that doesn't carsh (Y/N)"
A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?" "Yes of course " said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh! How nice it would be," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long!"
A judge asked a defendant, "How many times have you been to jail?" "Nine, your honor ," "Nine? In that case, I'll have to give you the maximum sentence." "Don't you give your regular clients a discount ?" asked the defendant.
Why do marriage and mirage rhyme?For some computer lovers ..... this is how their life turns out ....
Because both of them are misleading.
Husband : ( Returning late form work ) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."
Wife : Have you brought the ring ?
Husband : Bad command or filename.
Wife : But I told you in the morning..
Husband : Erroneous syntax.
Wife : What about my new blouse ?
Husband : Variable not found ...
Wife : At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to > do some shopping.
Husband : Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife : Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny ?
Husband : Too many parameters. Abort!...
Wife : It was a grave mistak that I married an > idiot like you. >
Husband : Data type mismatch.
Wife : You are a useless nut.
Husband : Default Parameter. >
Wife : What about your Salary ?
Husband : Access denied. File in use...
Wife : Who was in the car this morning ?
Husband : System unstable. Press CTRL + ALT + DEL to > Reboot
Funny Pickup Lines(updated on 4/25/00)
"Can you do anything that other people can't?"
"Sure, I can read my handwriting."
"Have you been to a zoo?
I mean as a visitor?"
"Whom are you working for?"
"Same people. My wife and four kids."
My wife wanted to see the world,
so I bought her an atlas.
Divorce has become so common that my wife and I are staying married
just to be different.
"What book do you like the best?"
"My husband's cheque book."
The Police have stopped my wife so many times for speeding, they
decided to just give her a season ticket
Funny Teacher and students discussions.
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE: Don't bite any.
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
A Poem For Those Over 30
A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bites.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A curser used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a back up happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife.
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they'll wish they were dead.
Bus Ride (updated on 11/12/01)
A woman holding a baby gets on a bus. The bus driver looks at them and says, "Damn, That's the ugliest baby Ive ever seen!"
In a huff the woman slams her money into the fare box and goes to the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sees shes agitated and asks whats wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumes.
"Thats outrageous!" says the man. "Hes a public servant and shouldnt be insulting passengers."
"You're right!" the woman says. "I think Ill go up there and give him a piece of my mind!"
"Thats a good idea," says the man. "Ill hold your monkey."
Moon Or Sun?
Two drunks are walking home and one says, "What a beautiful moon."
The other replies, "That's not the moon, that's the sun."
They argue until they pass another drunk.
"Sir, can you tell us what's shining in the sky? Is it the moon or the sun?'"
"The third drunk looks at the sky and says, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
An old man on his deathbed implored his wife, "When I am gone I want you to marry Fred Uhland."
"Why Fred Uhland?" his wife asked. "You have hated him all of your life!
"Still do." gasped the old man.